I am writing to validate my... Emotions.
As i have a serious difficulty in expressing my deepest feelings in fear of being vulnerable, i figured writing them down would probably clear my head... Somehow.
I know you are gone... The hardest thing i have ever had to come to terms with and accept... And i am not stating this lightly. As i am now in complete solitude, i only have my thoughts and memories to keep me company... Even so, i am certain this is nothing compared to the agony you had to live with each and everyday.
Growing up in the Uchiha household, i thought life couldn't get any better, this being when i was very young. We had a happy, healthy family. A wonderful network of people linked together and bonded by blood. Life was simple and i was happy.
Everytime i got to spend time with my big brother, i was on cloud nine. You... Itachi. You were so cool, so strong and smart. I wanted to grow up and be just like you. Just like my Nii-san... You were my hero.
I would train hard and when i mastered a new skill, big or small i was so excited when you'd return from your missions. No matter how big or small my progress was, you were always so proud and that motivated me more.
In the beginning... I didn't care if Father acknowledged my efforts... Your approval and praise was all i needed... All i desperately wanted.
As time went on, the two of us grew. Father began to ignore me and you, you were never home anymore... Always busy. I became a student at the academy in hopes this would bring you home. Seeing how strong i was becoming... Though, my skills couldn't hold a candle to yours, i didn't care. That. That was my goal.
Those few nights you were home, i didn't care about anything... Father and Mother.. Training. I just wanted to make you smile... Inspire you to stay here with me.... I was young and naiive, Nii-san, i never stopped to think how annoying i was.
Time passed and your eyes weren't the same, your smile had faded, no one else seemed to notice but i...... I didn't know what to do. Everyone was growing so distant from me. Mother and Father were so quiet, you know Father never had anytime for me. Mother was trying to hold Father together and i... I became isolated.
In my succlusion, without realizing i grew to resent you. I was jealous of you... I wanted to be like you... My innocence was slowly dying... I figured, if i could become like you... You'd come back to us... To me. We'd be a family again like when i was smaller, but as usual... I was the Uchiha families disappointment..
You used to train with me... Play hide and seek. I remember when we'd just lay on the warm grass and talk... Running your fingers through my hair and i'd soon fall asleep, leaving you to carry me home. What happened to that? That wasn't what you wanted? Was it a lie...? I guess, i'll never know....
That day, you sat with me on the back step, i recall each word you said like it was yesterday... I can still hear your voice. "I will always be here for you, Sasuke... Even if that is as an obsticle for you to overcome.... Even if you do hate me." You knew? You knew the jealousy and resentment i haboured... Didn't you? That day... Your words smacked me between the eyes harder than your usual poke to my forehead. I realized how my hatred for you began... Becoming paranoid, i desperately struggled to rid those feelings, but i failed.
Big surprise, hm?
Then... Then all hell broke loose.
Those eyes... Your eyes. The light and love that once lurked had disappeared entirely and for the first time in my life... I was terrified of you... Feeling like i was gazing a cobra in the eyes, you shot me a dangerous look with those Sharingans... What were you doing when you weren't home? I no longer felt safe around you and i began to cry myself to sleep most nights... Desperately missing what we had, when i'd crawl into your bed and curl my fingers in your hair.. Nothing could touch me... You made all the pain and fear disappear.
.... I will return shortly, i'm having difficulties recalling such deep seeded emotions from so long ago.
I've returned... Where was i?
Hm... That's right. Of course. The one night that changed everything. How i would rather not visit these feelings again.
I was running late from the Academy, i was supposed to be home for dinner. Tonight was special..You were finally the Captain of the ANBU black ops and tonight the family would celebrate by having a feast... I was ashamed i was so late, i had lost track of time training and so, i ran home. Guilt began to build but that was soon forgotten when i entered the estate to see the place dead. No lights, no sound... Not a person in sight. I grew nervous, running toward our house... I soon froze as i had noticed various corpses of our family. I can't.. Can't even recall how i got home.
My legs felt like jelly, each step was wobbly... I was so... Afraid i couldn't think... I couldn't cry.
All i could do was panic, hoping you were alright... Hoping Mother and Father were alright.
When i had reached our house, i slid my shoes off and left them at the door, venturing into the house... My chest tightened and my head began to pound, i feared the worst.
No one was in sight, the house was pitch black... Each second became more and more gut wrenching.
Then, then i opened the doors to the large back room. I'll never forget what i saw.
I stepped in, double checking my eyes were not decieving me... No.
Sure enough... Sure...
The bodies of my parents laid bloody and lifeless on the wooden floor and i froze... Staring at their lifeless forms, i tried to convince myself they were unconscious... Or asleep. I didn't care... Aslong as they weren't...
My thoughts were interupted when i heard the scuffing of shoes upon the floor boards. Though i was frozen in fear, i desperately hoped to look up, seeing you had survived.
Sure enough... You stood before me... Drenched in the blood of our family.
I didn't... I didn't want to believe it. How did you survive? Why were you wearing your ANBU attire... Drenched in their blood.
It was... Too much to process.
I finally mustered up the courage to speak, repeating your name a few times whilst failing to form words.
I soon realized you had done this... Such horrible things when you threw a kunai that barely brushed my shoulder.
In panic, i cowered in intimadation... Why would you do such a thing? I didn't understand and the more i thought about it... The rage grew.
I ran toward you, with all intent to defend myself... I hadn't figured out how i'd managed such and i realized when your fist collided with my stomach... Knocking the air from my lungs.
I collapsed to the floor, tears forming in my eyes as i gazed up at you, i had never felt so pathetic and naive... My heart shriveled up in my chest and though the heart is merely a muscle to pump blood... It physically ached...
What had happened to us? What happened to my loving big brother? My Nii-san that reassured me things would be okay. That held me and comforted me... That... Supported me when no one else cared?! Tch... Damnit.... I...
I can't... Write anything more about that night.
You told me to hate you, detest you... By making you my worst enemy i'd have no intent to hold back... I'd work to be more powerful than you.
I wanted to be like you... My Nii-san... Because i loved you... I loved you... You were the best thing in my life... And after that night... I was no longer the boy you knew.
I hated you... Hated you with everything in my body. But now... Now, i hate myself.
I hate the fact i ever hated you to begin with... I lead you to believe power was all i wanted... To be the best... No.
Tch... That wasn't what i really wanted. I wanted to be the best in your eyes. Days turned grey and long and i was content being alone... I was scared to get close to anyone. In fear of feeling the pain of loss once again.
I wanted to be worthy of your praise... Worthy of your support and recognition... Whilst Father ignored me... You made me feel like their was purpose behind being strong. Yet... I am weak.
I'm pathetic, writing out my emotions like some fool! The very inner workings of my heart... And you... You will never read it.
Itachi... I don't want this anymore. I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare and be in your arms again... You can poke me in the forehead all you please... Just... Take me back and rid me of this disgusting dream.
But you can't... This is reality... And as a ninja, i am expected to show no weakness.
Fuck weakness! You are my weakness. Curse you, you bastard.
It's been a year or two since you have passed and i am feeling the pain of loss once again... Because of you. Why? Why can i say i have watched my entire family die before me? Why would you want your little brother to witness your death. Are you sick?
People have told me... They tell me you did this because you loved me. Is this love? I don't want these memories... I want my big brother... Now, now i have no one and my thoughts haunt me.
The memory of your lifeless body on the ground beside me. Have you always thought i was so naive and gullable? ... I was easy to manipulate.
... I hate... I hate so much.
It doesn't matter how many tears i shed, how many moments i spend reliving our memories... It's not the same.
I hate this... I hate... I hate.. That i don't hate you at all... I love you, Nii-san.
I guess, i guess that's the thing i hate the very most. That in your last dying breath... I didn't tell you... I love you too.
Now, now... What do i have to live for? How can one person be expected to live their life when it's been written out by someone else... Now you're gone... There's nothing but guilt and regret... Pain... And memories while precious, i find no joy or pleasure remembering them... I can't apologise... I can't scream loud enough to lift this torment. It follows me everywhere, i can't sleep at night... I cry... Cry until my eyes are heavy and sore. Afraid to sleep, afraid to dream and have you with me once more... I'm so happy when i'm with you... But now, now i stuggle and fight with myself... Denying that happiness because when i wake up... Waking up is unbareable. If i have to sleep, let me sleep forever because i don't want to return to this existence. It's not living... No... Not even close. I'm surviving and barely.
Maybe, maybe in time... Well meet again, we can start once again... I'll be the little brother you always loved and needed... There will be no poison... No blood to shed... I'll lose my fear of falling and be with you... Forever.
Itachi. I'm sorry.